Janine.

J9. New England. Nature lover. Music enthusiast. Fashion lover.

Maybe I shouldn’t think it’s my fault because it really isn’t. And as much as I try to help and make sure it’s ok to do things with my dad’s side of the family (fucking crazy, I know), I STILL get attitude and one word answers when I get home. I had a great day of sitting outside with everyone just BSing because were all so busy during the week, blow dried Alexis’ hair per her request (I can’t say no!) and came home to negativity. But you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves, right? But why do I get the attitude and the moping and cold shoulders as if I’m depended on to be a companion and provide happiness? That’s not my role. I’m 28 fucking years old, live at home, and single. But I CHOSE to not let that shit bring me down. I’d miss out on so much if I moped around.

I guess I just want everyone to be happy, no one to be hurt or sad. I’ve always been a people pleaser and the fact that I can’t help make my mom feel better is eating at me. So emotionally drained. Ugh.

Sidebar: if my mom had it her way, I would never see my aunts and uncles on my dad’s side. Everything is negative and wrong and for someone like myself who thrives on positivity because I’ve been to a dark place where I thought it couldn’t get worse and hated myself and life, it’s so draining to live here. And I try so hard to make sure that I don’t make my mom feel bad, but is that really job?

I am happy when I eat fresh fruit, when I burst out laughing, when I discover a new song, when I finish a good book, when I wake up and feel relaxed. I’m glad to have friends, family, a home, food when I’m hungry, hot water when I shower. I love being able to live and see the seasons change, to have gifts at Christmas and at my birthday, to travel sometimes, to have a good education and a great access to culture. I’m flattered when people compliment me, when people smile at me, when people are polite to me. There are so many things that make life so simple and easy and I will always think about them more than all the bad things that will happen to me. I do not have time to be sad every day and ungrateful; I have every reason in the world to be happy.

—(via revanish)

(Source: pechikoto, via sarbearz)